I was the  guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you  demanded that I hand over, shortly after you  pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,  threatening our lives. You also asked for my  girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope  that you somehow come across this rather  important  message.  First, I’d like to  apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t  expect you to actually crap in your pants when I  drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The  evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the  jacket for a  reason..  my  girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely  from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in  Afghanistan..  She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model  1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had  picked up a shoulder holster for it that very  evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very  intimidating weapon when pointed at your head  … isn’t it?!  I know it probably wasn’t  fun walking back to wherever you’d come from  with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure  it was even worse walking bare-footed since I  made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and  wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling  or running to your buddies to come help mug us  again].  After I called your  mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your  cell, I explained the entire episode of what  you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas  tank as well as those of four other people in  the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy  with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was  extremely  grateful!  I gave your shoes to a  homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along  with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his  day!]   I then threw your wallet  into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked  at the curb …. after I broke the windshield  and side window and keyed the entire driver’s  side of the  car.  Later, I called a bunch  of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma  Bell just now shut down the line, although I  only used the phone for a little over a day now,  so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I  managed to get in two threatening phone calls to  the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while  mentioning President Obama as my possible  target.  The FBI guy seemed really  intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess  while he traced your number  etc.).     ;In a  way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing  you … but I feel this type of retribution is a  far more appropriate punishment for your  threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to  sort through some of these rather immediate  pressing issues, and can only hope that you have  the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps  reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to  pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might  not be so lucky. Have a good  day!